We Gotta Change Our Personal Mantras

We all have personal mantras whether we realize it or not. A mantra is a statement or slogan repeated frequently.

Like an actor remembering their lines, the inner speech we repeat to ourselves becomes the monologue that we perform in the role of our lives.

We are what we say we are and we play how we practice.

How can we begin to speak words that match the results we seek? It's corny but simple: Simply say what you want, out loud, all the time and believe it. Many people ridicule the messengers who promote this idea.

Hate if you wanna but it is effective.

I am not the first to say it. This topic has been written about and promoted, heavily. 

The thing is, we do it, anyway.
It's not like we are saying nothing about ourselves and our potential and now are being asked to start speaking to ourselves about what we want,  all randomly. 

No. We already say things to ourselves; about our expectations and desires.  We just do not say the right things.  We have a tendency to lean towards the negative and wade in the rivers of our own self-doubt.

"The right things" are those things that match what we claim are our goals, wishes and dream results.  For example, I want to lose weight.  How effective will my weight loss efforts be, if I constantly tell myself that I can't lose weight? Or that I'm too weak to stick to a new way of eating?

I must wake up, every day, say and believe that on that day, I will be successful in my healthy lifestyle efforts.Then and only then, will I begin to see and real change in -not only my attitude -but my actual behavior.  My behavior impacts the outcome or the results I seek.

The same holds true for everyone. Really.  I'm not kidding. 

I didn't say it wouldn't feel weird, at first, because it will. So what? Do it anyway.  I also didn't say that everything would change instantly.

Nope. It takes time (about 90 days) to really feeeeel different.  The manifestation of things could happen - oh, whenever.  It just depends on life. There's no magic pill to this but it will happen.  We will realize, soon after changing our personal mantra, that we have changed.

Trust me.

It may take some time. I think its worth it, though. I mean what do we have to lose? What's the worst that can happen - things stay the same? Big deal. No big whoop. If things staying the same IS a big deal, though...? Shouldn't that tell you it's worth a shot?

The Marriage Contract: Protecting My TYBs

I'm going to go ahead and issue a DISCLAIMER, right now: The following message is MY opinion. I am not here to argue. I'm just laying out my perspective on a topic and you are FREE to agree or disagree.  I will still be cool with you and I hope that you feel the same way about me. That is all. 

I feel that I have to preemptively issue such a statement before delving into this topic because ...well, people are crazy and they love to loudly (and aggressively) insist that my thoughts, which are my own, are wrong and therefore, should be changed, immediately.

However, I am a grown woman. I am a single mother ...with a "baby-daddy" and what I believe now, is directly related to my experiences, thus far.

So, just hear me out: I think we should get married and I think marriage is  smart business. 

I know, I KNOW...crazy! It's not a modern notion...it's steeped in so much patriarchy and sexism and religious oppression...yada, yada, yada,  I have heard it all before.

I want to share my business questions, list what I see as the marriage contract terms and each partners business investments. I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Feel free to comment, at the end and (politely) add your arguments "for" or "against" marriage as smart business.

Business Questions

Would you go into business with someone without a contract? because..."Who needs a piece of paper? We know what we've got between us!"

Would the bank approve a loan for you and just take your word that you'll pay them back without putting that in writing?  It's not gonna happen, right?

I would suggest that most people would call someone crazy, if  they were to  expect anything like that.

When it comes to any other business arrangement, people insist that we should  protect ourselves, our assets and our ideas---with a BINDING CONTRACT.

So, why is it so different, when it comes to marriage? When you enter into a relationship, you are agreeing  provide a  particular set of assets to the partnership: Time, Youth and Body. These are assets that I refer to as the TYBs.

The Contract Terms

This is not about love. I don't think you can contract "love," per se, so please do not misunderstand.  You CAN make an agreement to honor and respect the TYBs, though. These are things you cannot "get back" and therefore, they have an intrinsically higher value than material things--in my humble opinion.


If we are being honest, living with someone else and deciding to spend that time together in a household IS a business arrangement. It's a ROMANTIC Business arrangement. There are things that you are agreeing to do and to be. So why not sign a partnership agreement like a savvy business person?

The terms are simple: Be responsible for participating in the roles that are agreed upon for the duration of the partnership. Should the partnership dissolve, take with you the agreed upon material assets.



The Business Investments

The investments are clear: The parties agree to invest their Time, their "Youth" (relative to the start of the partnership) and their Body (by sharing it with said partner).

Adding in children, finance and extended family makes a contract even more necessary. These issues are too complicated to leave to chance.

Conclusion

I am not saying that a contract guarantees the partnership will not dissolve. Of course not. Business partnership dissolve, all the time. However, I do think that when people formally agree to certain terms and conditions, this act of  "promising" does keep their role and responsibility at the forefront of their mind. It's the best "receipt" you can get, in my opinion. So very often, people go into relationships making assumptions about who's doing what and for how long.

When you sign a contract, if you're smart, you'll read it and get an understanding about the part you and your partner each play. You feel more secure about investing your TYBs, which helps build confidence in the strength of the arrangement. Should the partnership dissolve, at least you can attempt to qualify when the breach occurred.

That's how I feel. Tell me what you think...

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 3: The Scorekeeper

The FINAL entry in this short series on the types of unpleasant  people we encounter in our lives, is the Scorekeeper. 

The Scorekeeper says,
 "I will offer to help, as long as it doesn't really cost me. Once they  feel that they have offered more "help" than they expected to -you  you owe them--BIG TIME."

You may think the Scorekeeper is helping you but just like with the Martyr, you should beware of their true intentions. 

The Scorekeeper NEVER forgets. They have an internal meter that measures when they have reached their limit of helpfulness and if they feel they have not received any reciprocation, be assured that you will hear about it.  

Oh, they will SAY that you can come to them for advice, for care, for help, etc... They may even be offended, if you choose to go elsewhere- in your time of need, but do not be fooled, they are keeping track of how often you are in need. 

As long as you are doing just as well as they are, they can be the best company and appear to be the best friend (or relative) you have. However, should you find yourself in a bind that runs longer than THEY feel it should, they are quick to point out how much of a burden you are becoming. They will explain that they have already been helpful to you and demand to know when you plan to pay up. 

Huh? How can that be? How can a true friend decide that when you are most vulnerable --THAT moment is time when you should buck up and repay? 

Well, that's thing with the Scorekeeper---to them, your neediness is evidence that you are trying to take advantage of them and they have all of the receipts saved up to prove it. 

 The help you need may not be monetary, so please do not misunderstand. It can be anything that could be reciprocated. It's about balancing the scales...not what you put on those scales.

Here's the confusing thing with a Scorekeeper, very much like the Martyr, they ASK for you to count on them. They INSIST on being the one to offer assistance ---but it's for show. It IS NOT true altruism. It's just not. You must understand this point. 

If you can understand this concept---I mean REALLY understand it, you can avoid falling prey to this negative person. Again, it is about control---control of the situation and the relationship. 

Indebtedness to the Scorekeeper should be avoided, if possible. If it cannot be avoided, HURRY and repay them to reset the meter, as soon as possible! 

If you find that your relationship with a Scorekeeper is unavoidable, it may be important to note their internal motivation and have a little empathy for them. 

Often, a Scorekeeper has experienced abandonment, rejection and great loss. To them, the best way to avoid the pain and rejection is have the advantage in the relationship. If  others are indebted to THEM and they can ensure that they get what is theirs, what's coming to them and what is owed to them, they are less likely to be hurt. Whether it makes logical sense or not, is not the point. When people give them what they deserve, they cannot be rejected or pushed aside. Those who "take advantage" of them are the ones who tend to leave them. 

Perhaps understanding what triggers their demands can be useful in helping you negotiate the boundaries of your relationship with a Scorekeeper. 

Good luck! 

#blogging, #advice, #people, #becausepeoplearecrazy

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 3: The Scorekeeper

The FINAL entry in this short series on the types of unpleasant  people we encounter in our lives, is the Scorekeeper. 

The Scorekeeper says,
 "I will offer to help, as long as it doesn't really cost me. Once they  feel that they have offered more "help" than they expected to -you  you owe them--BIG TIME."

You may think the Scorekeeper is helping you but just like with the Martyr, you should beware of their true intentions. 

The Scorekeeper NEVER forgets. They have an internal meter that measures when they have reached their limit of helpfulness and if they feel they have not received any reciprocation, be assured that you will hear about it.  

Oh, they will SAY that you can come to them for advice, for care, for help, etc... They may even be offended, if you choose to go elsewhere- in your time of need, but do not be fooled, they are keeping track of how often you are in need. 

As long as you are doing just as well as they are, they can be the best company and appear to be the best friend (or relative) you have. However, should you find yourself in a bind that runs longer than THEY feel it should, they are quick to point out how much of a burden you are becoming. They will explain that they have already been helpful to you and demand to know when you plan to pay up. 

Huh? How can that be? How can a true friend decide that when you are most vulnerable --THAT moment is time when you should buck up and repay? 

Well, that's thing with the Scorekeeper---to them, your neediness is evidence that you are trying to take advantage of them and they have all of the receipts saved up to prove it. 

 The help you need may not be monetary, so please do not misunderstand. It can be anything that could be reciprocated. It's about balancing the scales...not what you put on those scales.

Here's the confusing thing with a Scorekeeper, very much like the Martyr, they ASK for you to count on them. They INSIST on being the one to offer assistance ---but it's for show. It IS NOT true altruism. It's just not. You must understand this point. 

If you can understand this concept---I mean REALLY understand it, you can avoid falling prey to this negative person. Again, it is about control---control of the situation and the relationship. 

Indebtedness to the Scorekeeper should be avoided, if possible. If it cannot be avoided, HURRY and repay them to reset the meter, as soon as possible! 

If you find that your relationship with a Scorekeeper is unavoidable, it may be important to note their internal motivation and have a little empathy for them. 

Often, a Scorekeeper has experienced abandonment, rejection and great loss. To them, the best way to avoid the pain and rejection is have the advantage in the relationship. If  others are indebted to THEM and they can ensure that they get what is theirs, what's coming to them and what is owed to them, they are less likely to be hurt. Whether it makes logical sense or not, is not the point. When people give them what they deserve, they cannot be rejected or pushed aside. Those who "take advantage" of them are the ones who tend to leave them. 

Perhaps understanding what triggers their demands can be useful in helping you negotiate the boundaries of your relationship with a Scorekeeper. 

Good luck! 

#blogging, #advice, #people, #becausepeoplearecrazy

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 2: The Martyr

My, my, my--the Martyr. This one is a tough one to recognize as negative because they appear to be so willing to suffer for the sake of others...and if they will endure pain for the pleasure of others, how can they be negative, right? WRONG. 

On the surface, the Martyr seems to have your best interest in mind but look closer and you will see that there is selfish intent there. 

The Martyr says,  

"I will do these things and my efforts will be recognized and therefore, those who receive the benefits of my sacrifice will OWE me. They will repay me with praise, adoration and attention---or else." 

Or else, indeed! The Martyr is always secretly tallying their deeds, in order to lay them at your feet, later on, with some guilt-spawning diatribe about all they've done for you...and all they ask in return is....(insert whatever it is they want here). 

Really what Martyrs want is control. They want control of you, your decisions and inclusion into the very fabric of all you do. 

They do NOT react well when their efforts go unnoticed. They tend to hold in all of their anger and hurt, as they try to do more and more to make you recognize all that they are "doing for you." If you still, somehow, do not pay homage to them and pay them service for their efforts by allowing them to be involved in EVERY aspect of your life---they will explode....all over you. 

It is best that you learn to decipher the signals of a martyr from those of a truly altruistic individual.   

There's an easy test to sort the martyrs from the altruists: Just return the favor and watch the reaction. 

 Martyrs cannot allow you to do for THEM. Oh, no, they cannot OWE YOU. That will upset the balance of power (in their eyes). Martyrs are not "doing good things" for good reasons. They are doing good things to get what they want.  

 

Altruists can accept good deeds being done unto them, without objection because they truly have good hearts and pure intentions.  

If you find that you are dealing with a martyr, do your best to do for yourself.

If that it is not possible, you MUST be direct and straightforward in your interactions with the martyr. You will have to let them know, up front, what the expectations and limitations of the relationship will be.

You may also have to be prepared to have them exit your life- perhaps, just for a short time or perhaps for good. Do not be afraid of the loss, though. Be strong and remain steadfast in your position, however, if you wish to redefine the nature of your relationship, take back your sense of self and take back the control. 

With that being said…

Good luck, soldier. 

Next up...Entry 3: The Score Keeper   

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 2: The Martyr

My, my, my--the Martyr. This one is a tough one to recognize as negative because they appear to be so willing to suffer for the sake of others...and if they will endure pain for the pleasure of others, how can they be negative, right? WRONG. 

On the surface, the Martyr seems to have your best interest in mind but look closer and you will see that there is selfish intent there. 

The Martyr says,  

"I will do these things and my efforts will be recognized and therefore, those who receive the benefits of my sacrifice will OWE me. They will repay me with praise, adoration and attention---or else." 

Or else, indeed! The Martyr is always secretly tallying their deeds, in order to lay them at your feet, later on, with some guilt-spawning diatribe about all they've done for you...and all they ask in return is....(insert whatever it is they want here). 

Really what Martyrs want is control. They want control of you, your decisions and inclusion into the very fabric of all you do. 

They do NOT react well when their efforts go unnoticed. They tend to hold in all of their anger and hurt, as they try to do more and more to make you recognize all that they are "doing for you." If you still, somehow, do not pay homage to them and pay them service for their efforts by allowing them to be involved in EVERY aspect of your life---they will explode....all over you. 

It is best that you learn to decipher the signals of a martyr from those of a truly altruistic individual.   

There's an easy test to sort the martyrs from the altruists: Just return the favor and watch the reaction. 

 Martyrs cannot allow you to do for THEM. Oh, no, they cannot OWE YOU. That will upset the balance of power (in their eyes). Martyrs are not "doing good things" for good reasons. They are doing good things to get what they want.  

 

Altruists can accept good deeds being done unto them, without objection because they truly have good hearts and pure intentions.  

If you find that you are dealing with a martyr, do your best to do for yourself.

If that it is not possible, you MUST be direct and straightforward in your interactions with the martyr. You will have to let them know, up front, what the expectations and limitations of the relationship will be.

You may also have to be prepared to have them exit your life- perhaps, just for a short time or perhaps for good. Do not be afraid of the loss, though. Be strong and remain steadfast in your position, however, if you wish to redefine the nature of your relationship, take back your sense of self and take back the control. 

With that being said…

Good luck, soldier. 

Next up...Entry 3: The Score Keeper   

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People

Interpersonal relationships exist whether we want them to or not. Even if we think that we are an island or at least a peninsula, I guarantee, we interact with and are related to other people---somehow, some way. 

Generally, positive people do not really require explanation or understanding. They make us feel good and we usually respond to their positivity in kind. 

UNPLEASANT people, however, are a different story. These people tend to drain the goodness from our very souls. 

There is no ONE kind of unpleasant person.  Unpleasantness and negativity come in different varieties, like a jar of bad jelly beans. 

 I think that recognizing the type is the first step in learning how to handle Unpleasant People (UPs)  without losing our sense of self, without stressing out too much and of course without "catching a case." You know what they say, "knowing is half the battle."

I hope to provide some insight into their motivation and give a tip or two on how to diffuse any negative situations that we may encounter with them. 

Let me emphasize that what I write is my own opinion and nothing here has necessarily been substantiated by any social scientists, whatsoever.

For the purposes of these next few entries, a "UP"  is one who may not be a horrible person all the time, it's just that, their approach to interpersonal interaction leaves more to be desired. 

And with that...let me begin: 

Entry 1: The Salem Witch Hunter or the Spanish Inquisitor

Oooh, THIS guy! I call the first UP the "Salem Witch Hunter" or the "Spanish Inquisitor" because their argument strategy or method of dealing with confrontation is identical to how the Witch Hunters and Inquisitors of yore dealt with their enemies. 

If you know ANYTHING about these groups, you already know that for the victims, it was a "lose-lose" situation. 

You see, the strategy of those requiring confessions was simple: 

For the Inquisitors the targets needed to "admit their guilt (heresy) to be saved." If they protested and insisted on their innocence- they were DEFINITELY guilty and their soul was to be damned to Hell." If they admitted their "guilt," they usually still faced an unpleasant fate, as there was to be no rest for the wicked and the blasphemers! 

For the Witch Hunters, their tactics were a little different but the results were the same:

"If we TORTURE you and you LIVE-- you're a witch. If we TORTURE you and you DIE, then you were innocent."

So, basically, to the Inquisitor/Witch Hunter---we are already guilty. Even, if we "win"-- we're already dead. We cannot win.

Once this type of person has decided on our fate or intentions, our arguments in trying to prove that we're right or innocent are just more proof that we're lying.

They may even SAY to us that by continuing to argue with them --we're just showing them that we are guilty. If we end the argument by not responding or by giving up, we STILL have only proven that they were right all along. Our lack of argument is also proof that we were wrong in the first place.

It is easy to see the Inquisitor/Witch Hunter as pompous or self-righteous. How dare they never think that THEY could be wrong! How dare they determine that their insight on any topic or into any discussion is so much richer, deeper and more thorough than ours!

I submit, though, that it is NOT arrogance or self-righteousness that compels them. It is, rather, insecurity that prevents them from allowing us the “win” we deserve. A loss for them is a BIG deal. It is a blow to their whole concept of self. Therefore, in order to successfully relate to them, we must assure them that they ARE still important and that we DO value their opinion and input.

Otherwise, we may find ourselves on an endless loop of hostile accusations and unresolved tension. 

Stay tuned for the next entry. Next up, we will discuss "The Martyr." FUN TIMES! 
#bloggers #people #life

When are You Gonna Get a Man?

*le sigh* For many a single mother, that question on our dating and

marriage prospects can hit us like a ton of bricks.

For those actively seeking a relationship, this question may not affect you at all. However, if you're like many moms out there, myself, included---busy, single and NOT looking to mingle (at the moment), the best way to delicately answer the question may be a little elusive.

In my experience--which is on-going, I find that, in order to be able to answer the question for my child AND myself, I have had to address other issues, one by one, first.

1. Accept the Reality of Procreation Without Relationship Consummation: We had babies. We are NOT with the father. We are not a traditional nuclear family. It seems pretty basic and um--OBVIOUS but dealing with this reality, alone, trips up more us single mothers than bounced child support checks.  But it’s OKAY. We just have to accept the fact of what we are “Single Mothers.”

2. Journey from Jealousy: It's related to the first reality but it is no less important to deal with. 99% of the time, the father of our child(ren) will move on to another mate. Do not believe the lie that we can get over a man with a man. We have to be okay with being single and fight the temptation to act a fool, because "he's got a girlfriend.” We also can’t get involved with  someone just  to get "even" with him.  Girl, don't compete with him. Stay calm and focus. 

3. Balance Our Needs with that of Our Child(ren):  Keeping in mind that we are MORE than just "mom" can be challenging. Besides just not having enough time in the day to dedicate to "me time," a single mom has to remember that she was a woman before the kids. There is no need to feel guilty for needing a break. To be a better parent, means we avoid neglecting the other parts of our being...and we haven't even decided to get out there in the dating world, yet!

4. Deciding to Date-Now or Later: I, personally, feel that we have to make a conscious decision to allow ourselves to date and be exposed to others in a romantic way. There's no perfect time but we should consider what is best for our child(ren), of course, before embarking on the journey. Partners come and go and we should never sacrifice the well-being of our children for a mate. 

If we choose to wait until our children are tweens, teens or even after they are adults, we have to prepare ourselves for questions from family and friends. Many will wonder, if we’re lonely and unhappy. Others will insist that we are.  Single-hood does not equate to pitiful and lonely. Unfortunately, not everyone around us will believe that.

It is okay to focus on our family before focusing on love. We can only concentrate on some much at one time. As long as we are healthy, physically and mentally, we can take our time. We shouldn’t let others rush us to date and marry. 

Deciding what is best for us and how we should manage our lives as moms is an ongoing process. Working through these four areas can help us get to a place where we can see what it is we truly want. It can open a dialogue about our marital plans (or lack thereof) with our children, too. It's never an easy conversation but it doesn't have to be a terrible one, either.