"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People

Interpersonal relationships exist whether we want them to or not. Even if we think that we are an island or at least a peninsula, I guarantee, we interact with and are related to other people---somehow, some way. 

Generally, positive people do not really require explanation or understanding. They make us feel good and we usually respond to their positivity in kind. 

UNPLEASANT people, however, are a different story. These people tend to drain the goodness from our very souls. 

There is no ONE kind of unpleasant person.  Unpleasantness and negativity come in different varieties, like a jar of bad jelly beans. 

 I think that recognizing the type is the first step in learning how to handle Unpleasant People (UPs)  without losing our sense of self, without stressing out too much and of course without "catching a case." You know what they say, "knowing is half the battle."

I hope to provide some insight into their motivation and give a tip or two on how to diffuse any negative situations that we may encounter with them. 

Let me emphasize that what I write is my own opinion and nothing here has necessarily been substantiated by any social scientists, whatsoever.

For the purposes of these next few entries, a "UP"  is one who may not be a horrible person all the time, it's just that, their approach to interpersonal interaction leaves more to be desired. 

And with that...let me begin: 

Entry 1: The Salem Witch Hunter or the Spanish Inquisitor

Oooh, THIS guy! I call the first UP the "Salem Witch Hunter" or the "Spanish Inquisitor" because their argument strategy or method of dealing with confrontation is identical to how the Witch Hunters and Inquisitors of yore dealt with their enemies. 

If you know ANYTHING about these groups, you already know that for the victims, it was a "lose-lose" situation. 

You see, the strategy of those requiring confessions was simple: 

For the Inquisitors the targets needed to "admit their guilt (heresy) to be saved." If they protested and insisted on their innocence- they were DEFINITELY guilty and their soul was to be damned to Hell." If they admitted their "guilt," they usually still faced an unpleasant fate, as there was to be no rest for the wicked and the blasphemers! 

For the Witch Hunters, their tactics were a little different but the results were the same:

"If we TORTURE you and you LIVE-- you're a witch. If we TORTURE you and you DIE, then you were innocent."

So, basically, to the Inquisitor/Witch Hunter---we are already guilty. Even, if we "win"-- we're already dead. We cannot win.

Once this type of person has decided on our fate or intentions, our arguments in trying to prove that we're right or innocent are just more proof that we're lying.

They may even SAY to us that by continuing to argue with them --we're just showing them that we are guilty. If we end the argument by not responding or by giving up, we STILL have only proven that they were right all along. Our lack of argument is also proof that we were wrong in the first place.

It is easy to see the Inquisitor/Witch Hunter as pompous or self-righteous. How dare they never think that THEY could be wrong! How dare they determine that their insight on any topic or into any discussion is so much richer, deeper and more thorough than ours!

I submit, though, that it is NOT arrogance or self-righteousness that compels them. It is, rather, insecurity that prevents them from allowing us the “win” we deserve. A loss for them is a BIG deal. It is a blow to their whole concept of self. Therefore, in order to successfully relate to them, we must assure them that they ARE still important and that we DO value their opinion and input.

Otherwise, we may find ourselves on an endless loop of hostile accusations and unresolved tension. 

Stay tuned for the next entry. Next up, we will discuss "The Martyr." FUN TIMES! 
#bloggers #people #life

When are You Gonna Get a Man?

*le sigh* For many a single mother, that question on our dating and

marriage prospects can hit us like a ton of bricks.

For those actively seeking a relationship, this question may not affect you at all. However, if you're like many moms out there, myself, included---busy, single and NOT looking to mingle (at the moment), the best way to delicately answer the question may be a little elusive.

In my experience--which is on-going, I find that, in order to be able to answer the question for my child AND myself, I have had to address other issues, one by one, first.

1. Accept the Reality of Procreation Without Relationship Consummation: We had babies. We are NOT with the father. We are not a traditional nuclear family. It seems pretty basic and um--OBVIOUS but dealing with this reality, alone, trips up more us single mothers than bounced child support checks.  But it’s OKAY. We just have to accept the fact of what we are “Single Mothers.”

2. Journey from Jealousy: It's related to the first reality but it is no less important to deal with. 99% of the time, the father of our child(ren) will move on to another mate. Do not believe the lie that we can get over a man with a man. We have to be okay with being single and fight the temptation to act a fool, because "he's got a girlfriend.” We also can’t get involved with  someone just  to get "even" with him.  Girl, don't compete with him. Stay calm and focus. 

3. Balance Our Needs with that of Our Child(ren):  Keeping in mind that we are MORE than just "mom" can be challenging. Besides just not having enough time in the day to dedicate to "me time," a single mom has to remember that she was a woman before the kids. There is no need to feel guilty for needing a break. To be a better parent, means we avoid neglecting the other parts of our being...and we haven't even decided to get out there in the dating world, yet!

4. Deciding to Date-Now or Later: I, personally, feel that we have to make a conscious decision to allow ourselves to date and be exposed to others in a romantic way. There's no perfect time but we should consider what is best for our child(ren), of course, before embarking on the journey. Partners come and go and we should never sacrifice the well-being of our children for a mate. 

If we choose to wait until our children are tweens, teens or even after they are adults, we have to prepare ourselves for questions from family and friends. Many will wonder, if we’re lonely and unhappy. Others will insist that we are.  Single-hood does not equate to pitiful and lonely. Unfortunately, not everyone around us will believe that.

It is okay to focus on our family before focusing on love. We can only concentrate on some much at one time. As long as we are healthy, physically and mentally, we can take our time. We shouldn’t let others rush us to date and marry. 

Deciding what is best for us and how we should manage our lives as moms is an ongoing process. Working through these four areas can help us get to a place where we can see what it is we truly want. It can open a dialogue about our marital plans (or lack thereof) with our children, too. It's never an easy conversation but it doesn't have to be a terrible one, either. 

Cultivating a Mindset of Patience

I come from a generation that likes to see immediate results. We overindulge in instant gratification.  Why wait, when we can get what we want--NOW?  While this attitude works well when ordering burgers, it doesn't really benefit us, when it comes to almost everything else in life that is worth having. 

True treasures take time to manifest. Real results from our efforts may take years.
...and that's all well and good...and deep and  philosophical but it ain't helpful for the everyday, is it?...

What are we to do? How can we cope with the notion that we may not get what we want, right away? How do we cultivate a mindset of patience?

This topic is on my brain, because I'm living the struggle, as we speak. I made some changes to my lifestyle, recently,  to improve my mind, body and spirit.

I cut all my hair, did a "big chop" and went natural. After my recent surgery, I decided to take up the Paleo diet lifestyle. I even decided to start meditating!
 I am very happy about the changes I made and I have no regrets about having made them. *sighs* Now, I have to wait for my hair to grow, wait to see these changes in my body and wait on all that inner-peace ...but...I wanna see the NEW ME, TODAY!

I don't wanna wait.

I know I am not alone and because of that fact, I want to pass on the things that I am using to cope and stay firmly planted on my new path. I truly hope these tools are as useful to you as they have been to me, so far:

1. Let Go of  the Control: This is the HARDEST thing to do, especially for high performing, overachievers (takes one to know one) but it is a vital part of cultivating a mindset of patience. We must realize that all we can do is make the appropriate changes and put in the work that is required for what we want. We cannot control the timeline to visible results. They will come when they come. Just be ready. 
2. Believe that It's Worth It: We have to recognize the value of our efforts. Whether it is investing in our education or getting up every morning to work out, we have to believe that what we are doing is right and worthy. Otherwise, we will abandon the effort, when times get rough. 
3. Envision that Last Mile: What will it be like, once we have achieved what we set out to achieve? Will our friends and family FINALLY be our cheerleaders? Will our managers finally believe that we deserve that raise? Will we strut along the beach with a banging body? Whatever it will look like, it is helpful for us to take moment and bask in the warm glow of our personal success. We are not there yet but we will be, if we just keep on going. See.The.Finish.Line. 

If I can do it, we all can do it. Patience is a virtue. It's a virtue that requires diligence to acquire. It can be done. Let's stay the course and take hold of our future prizes. Really, we've already won by just taking the first step.