"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 3: The Scorekeeper

The FINAL entry in this short series on the types of unpleasant  people we encounter in our lives, is the Scorekeeper. 

The Scorekeeper says,
 "I will offer to help, as long as it doesn't really cost me. Once they  feel that they have offered more "help" than they expected to -you  you owe them--BIG TIME."

You may think the Scorekeeper is helping you but just like with the Martyr, you should beware of their true intentions. 

The Scorekeeper NEVER forgets. They have an internal meter that measures when they have reached their limit of helpfulness and if they feel they have not received any reciprocation, be assured that you will hear about it.  

Oh, they will SAY that you can come to them for advice, for care, for help, etc... They may even be offended, if you choose to go elsewhere- in your time of need, but do not be fooled, they are keeping track of how often you are in need. 

As long as you are doing just as well as they are, they can be the best company and appear to be the best friend (or relative) you have. However, should you find yourself in a bind that runs longer than THEY feel it should, they are quick to point out how much of a burden you are becoming. They will explain that they have already been helpful to you and demand to know when you plan to pay up. 

Huh? How can that be? How can a true friend decide that when you are most vulnerable --THAT moment is time when you should buck up and repay? 

Well, that's thing with the Scorekeeper---to them, your neediness is evidence that you are trying to take advantage of them and they have all of the receipts saved up to prove it. 

 The help you need may not be monetary, so please do not misunderstand. It can be anything that could be reciprocated. It's about balancing the scales...not what you put on those scales.

Here's the confusing thing with a Scorekeeper, very much like the Martyr, they ASK for you to count on them. They INSIST on being the one to offer assistance ---but it's for show. It IS NOT true altruism. It's just not. You must understand this point. 

If you can understand this concept---I mean REALLY understand it, you can avoid falling prey to this negative person. Again, it is about control---control of the situation and the relationship. 

Indebtedness to the Scorekeeper should be avoided, if possible. If it cannot be avoided, HURRY and repay them to reset the meter, as soon as possible! 

If you find that your relationship with a Scorekeeper is unavoidable, it may be important to note their internal motivation and have a little empathy for them. 

Often, a Scorekeeper has experienced abandonment, rejection and great loss. To them, the best way to avoid the pain and rejection is have the advantage in the relationship. If  others are indebted to THEM and they can ensure that they get what is theirs, what's coming to them and what is owed to them, they are less likely to be hurt. Whether it makes logical sense or not, is not the point. When people give them what they deserve, they cannot be rejected or pushed aside. Those who "take advantage" of them are the ones who tend to leave them. 

Perhaps understanding what triggers their demands can be useful in helping you negotiate the boundaries of your relationship with a Scorekeeper. 

Good luck! 

#blogging, #advice, #people, #becausepeoplearecrazy

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 3: The Scorekeeper

The FINAL entry in this short series on the types of unpleasant  people we encounter in our lives, is the Scorekeeper. 

The Scorekeeper says,
 "I will offer to help, as long as it doesn't really cost me. Once they  feel that they have offered more "help" than they expected to -you  you owe them--BIG TIME."

You may think the Scorekeeper is helping you but just like with the Martyr, you should beware of their true intentions. 

The Scorekeeper NEVER forgets. They have an internal meter that measures when they have reached their limit of helpfulness and if they feel they have not received any reciprocation, be assured that you will hear about it.  

Oh, they will SAY that you can come to them for advice, for care, for help, etc... They may even be offended, if you choose to go elsewhere- in your time of need, but do not be fooled, they are keeping track of how often you are in need. 

As long as you are doing just as well as they are, they can be the best company and appear to be the best friend (or relative) you have. However, should you find yourself in a bind that runs longer than THEY feel it should, they are quick to point out how much of a burden you are becoming. They will explain that they have already been helpful to you and demand to know when you plan to pay up. 

Huh? How can that be? How can a true friend decide that when you are most vulnerable --THAT moment is time when you should buck up and repay? 

Well, that's thing with the Scorekeeper---to them, your neediness is evidence that you are trying to take advantage of them and they have all of the receipts saved up to prove it. 

 The help you need may not be monetary, so please do not misunderstand. It can be anything that could be reciprocated. It's about balancing the scales...not what you put on those scales.

Here's the confusing thing with a Scorekeeper, very much like the Martyr, they ASK for you to count on them. They INSIST on being the one to offer assistance ---but it's for show. It IS NOT true altruism. It's just not. You must understand this point. 

If you can understand this concept---I mean REALLY understand it, you can avoid falling prey to this negative person. Again, it is about control---control of the situation and the relationship. 

Indebtedness to the Scorekeeper should be avoided, if possible. If it cannot be avoided, HURRY and repay them to reset the meter, as soon as possible! 

If you find that your relationship with a Scorekeeper is unavoidable, it may be important to note their internal motivation and have a little empathy for them. 

Often, a Scorekeeper has experienced abandonment, rejection and great loss. To them, the best way to avoid the pain and rejection is have the advantage in the relationship. If  others are indebted to THEM and they can ensure that they get what is theirs, what's coming to them and what is owed to them, they are less likely to be hurt. Whether it makes logical sense or not, is not the point. When people give them what they deserve, they cannot be rejected or pushed aside. Those who "take advantage" of them are the ones who tend to leave them. 

Perhaps understanding what triggers their demands can be useful in helping you negotiate the boundaries of your relationship with a Scorekeeper. 

Good luck! 

#blogging, #advice, #people, #becausepeoplearecrazy

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 2: The Martyr

My, my, my--the Martyr. This one is a tough one to recognize as negative because they appear to be so willing to suffer for the sake of others...and if they will endure pain for the pleasure of others, how can they be negative, right? WRONG. 

On the surface, the Martyr seems to have your best interest in mind but look closer and you will see that there is selfish intent there. 

The Martyr says,  

"I will do these things and my efforts will be recognized and therefore, those who receive the benefits of my sacrifice will OWE me. They will repay me with praise, adoration and attention---or else." 

Or else, indeed! The Martyr is always secretly tallying their deeds, in order to lay them at your feet, later on, with some guilt-spawning diatribe about all they've done for you...and all they ask in return is....(insert whatever it is they want here). 

Really what Martyrs want is control. They want control of you, your decisions and inclusion into the very fabric of all you do. 

They do NOT react well when their efforts go unnoticed. They tend to hold in all of their anger and hurt, as they try to do more and more to make you recognize all that they are "doing for you." If you still, somehow, do not pay homage to them and pay them service for their efforts by allowing them to be involved in EVERY aspect of your life---they will explode....all over you. 

It is best that you learn to decipher the signals of a martyr from those of a truly altruistic individual.   

There's an easy test to sort the martyrs from the altruists: Just return the favor and watch the reaction. 

 Martyrs cannot allow you to do for THEM. Oh, no, they cannot OWE YOU. That will upset the balance of power (in their eyes). Martyrs are not "doing good things" for good reasons. They are doing good things to get what they want.  

 

Altruists can accept good deeds being done unto them, without objection because they truly have good hearts and pure intentions.  

If you find that you are dealing with a martyr, do your best to do for yourself.

If that it is not possible, you MUST be direct and straightforward in your interactions with the martyr. You will have to let them know, up front, what the expectations and limitations of the relationship will be.

You may also have to be prepared to have them exit your life- perhaps, just for a short time or perhaps for good. Do not be afraid of the loss, though. Be strong and remain steadfast in your position, however, if you wish to redefine the nature of your relationship, take back your sense of self and take back the control. 

With that being said…

Good luck, soldier. 

Next up...Entry 3: The Score Keeper   

"Type" Casting: Identifying and Relating to Unpleasant People---Entry 2: The Martyr

My, my, my--the Martyr. This one is a tough one to recognize as negative because they appear to be so willing to suffer for the sake of others...and if they will endure pain for the pleasure of others, how can they be negative, right? WRONG. 

On the surface, the Martyr seems to have your best interest in mind but look closer and you will see that there is selfish intent there. 

The Martyr says,  

"I will do these things and my efforts will be recognized and therefore, those who receive the benefits of my sacrifice will OWE me. They will repay me with praise, adoration and attention---or else." 

Or else, indeed! The Martyr is always secretly tallying their deeds, in order to lay them at your feet, later on, with some guilt-spawning diatribe about all they've done for you...and all they ask in return is....(insert whatever it is they want here). 

Really what Martyrs want is control. They want control of you, your decisions and inclusion into the very fabric of all you do. 

They do NOT react well when their efforts go unnoticed. They tend to hold in all of their anger and hurt, as they try to do more and more to make you recognize all that they are "doing for you." If you still, somehow, do not pay homage to them and pay them service for their efforts by allowing them to be involved in EVERY aspect of your life---they will explode....all over you. 

It is best that you learn to decipher the signals of a martyr from those of a truly altruistic individual.   

There's an easy test to sort the martyrs from the altruists: Just return the favor and watch the reaction. 

 Martyrs cannot allow you to do for THEM. Oh, no, they cannot OWE YOU. That will upset the balance of power (in their eyes). Martyrs are not "doing good things" for good reasons. They are doing good things to get what they want.  

 

Altruists can accept good deeds being done unto them, without objection because they truly have good hearts and pure intentions.  

If you find that you are dealing with a martyr, do your best to do for yourself.

If that it is not possible, you MUST be direct and straightforward in your interactions with the martyr. You will have to let them know, up front, what the expectations and limitations of the relationship will be.

You may also have to be prepared to have them exit your life- perhaps, just for a short time or perhaps for good. Do not be afraid of the loss, though. Be strong and remain steadfast in your position, however, if you wish to redefine the nature of your relationship, take back your sense of self and take back the control. 

With that being said…

Good luck, soldier. 

Next up...Entry 3: The Score Keeper