Oh, You Can Get It But You Can't Keep It: The Challenge of Living Our Dreams

People are forever talking about living out their dreams, achieving their dreams, catching dreams, etc. What does that even mean? How do we know, if and when we have achieved our dream? Why is it that some of us appear to be able to live out our dreams, while the rest of us seem to lose what we dreamed about? 

Usually, we try to convince ourselves that we simply had the WRONG dream. Why do we do that? 

Is there any hope of getting what we dream of and KEEPING it? I believe there is a way. As usual, it requires work. It's always simple but never easy. Am I right? 

First, we should probably establish what the heck a "dream" is. According to Merriam -Webster (the dictionary, folks), a "dream" is a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal. 

Wow. That's pretty great. Every one of us has a cherished aspiration, ambition or ideal. They can come in a variety of forms. For example, I have an ideal body weight. I DEFINITELY CHERISH my ideal body weight.  Let's look at me and my ideal body weight as we go through the steps of keeping a dream. 

I believe that to keep what we dream of, we have to do "dream maintenance." 

Maintenance requires us to know our purpose. It requires planning. Planning requires us to prepare and be organized.

1. Know your purpose 
2. Make a plan 
3. Be prepared and organized

Maintenance implies an on-going process that may be un-ending and ever evolving. For something to not end and to evolve means that it grows. If something grows, it's alive. Stay with me, now:

Let's say I've achieved my ideal body weight -- (I haven't yet but that's beside the point. This is just an illustration. Don't judge me). What will happen, should I revert back to unhealthy habits? Will I MAINTAIN my ideal body weight? Nope. 

So, what must I do to keep my dream of weighing what I think I should weigh? I plan my meals. I plan my meals for the purpose of controlling my intake of calories and monitoring what foods I eat. Creating a meal plan requires me to be organized. 

I will forever be conscious of what I eat, how I eat it and what I'm doing it all for. Over time, I change. My thoughts around food and well-being...evolve. I LIVE a better and healthier life. BOOM. 

These dream maintenance steps can be applied to anything. The real question is -- Do we have a real dream? If so, we should be willing to do the work to get it and keep it. 

You have just been served some truth, today. Take this little gem and go be another person's sunshine! 

We're So Happy to Have You!

Why do people say that and what does that mean?

I believe it means that folks do not regret opening their hearts and or doors to you. I believe that it means we didn't eff up their day by acting up and showing out.

How can we make that the message we hear from others, all the time?

Be pleasant to be around:
      Not because we have to be fake but because our energy affects the energy of others!

Be a help not a hindrance:
     Not because we owe anyone anything but because people will repay us in kind-- that's how karma works!

Be what we pretend to be in front of our mamas:
     Not because we're fake but rather because wr know that's the best version of ourselves and the more we practice, the more it really becomes who we are!

Y'all know that people are crazy but it's usually because they are not aware of how  their inside voice controls their outside behavior and how that behavior impacts others.

If we don't want to be one if the crazies, it's up to us to be purposeful in how we go into the world and do our thing, everyday!

Cloak

Grab it before you go.
Can't be seen without it.
Cover your shoulders,  your neck and your face.
Stand tall, now. Peek through it.
No one sees the wounds, right?
Take a step. Feel secure.
Your cloak grazes against your body. Feel secure.
Your cloak is your armour, your story concocted, weaved and derived from your  depths. Your unwhole abyss. Hide your unspoken fears.  Feel secure.
As long as no one removes it, everything will be, as imagined. Everything will go as planned. Feel secure.
Oh, no! Not here! What's this? A chink in your armor. A hole in your cloak.
They can see you, the real you.
Do they know? Can they know?
The flaws in the fabric. The flaws in your story. Feel secure?
If they see this, then they see you---the real you. Feel secure?
What will they think? What will they say? What do they know? Feel secure?
Your are flawed. Your cloak is worn. It covers nothing. Feel secure?
The illusion of truth, the stories concocted, rehearsed and rehashed hold no weight. Feel secure?
No one is fooled. Everyone knows.
Everyone knows. Everyone knows.
Everyone sees you. The real you. Feel secure?

So Busy Doin' YOU

I've reached my limit. Not my limit in pushing through my own challenges or dealing with what life throws at me. No, I've reached my limit and my tolerance to hearing about ALL THESE SOLO BOSSES...

YEEEEAH, RIGHT. 

You know the ones. The ones whose circle is SO small that there's only room for them in it. The ones who just grind SO hard with no one's help, no assistance, no support...just a Drake-like determination to "do it, do it, do it by themselves..."   Yeah, those solo bosses. 

The problem with this self-published narrative, this autobiographical mythology, is that it is deceptively dangerous. 

...and so I begin my real rant!

Pretending that we're the oooonly ones out here battling for our success and that we do not require nor have ever received support works to do three things: 

1. Devalues the efforts of our true support system - those who know us and know how they helped and supported us, have the right to "feel a way" (as the kids say) or feel swept aside, when we publicly pretend we did everything ourselves. We know we didn't and they know we didn't. Bring on the "side eye"-- we deserve it. 

2. Prevents us from acknowledging our need to rest - If we do it all ourselves, then we also can never take a pause and regroup --or else we'll lose all the ground we gained in our pursuit of our goals. Or rather, we can't allow OTHERS to see us pause and catch our breath because they may perceive us as losing ground. Keeping up appearances requires that we keep going, even if we're dying inside. No Bueno. 

3. Prevents us from being a help and a support to others - If WE didn't need anyone, why should we lend a hand? Those folks should help their OWN -self! Right? Wrong. If we tell that false story of how we are "self-made," we close ourselves off to the possibility of being a true mentor and friend to someone else. The truth is that we need a team of people who are like-minded and who have our best interests in mind. We find them, first and then we become that for the next one. 

We ALL need other people. No one can make it, anywhere, on their own. Whether we are in school, living in a regular family or building a business (read empire), the best outcome relies on our having a strong and positive support system. 

What's a support system? It's a shoulder to lean on, business partners, school counselors, wonderful parents, thoughtful mentors and really good friends. 

So, go ahead with all that "my team is only me, myself and I" stuff. Be real and recognize your people! 

For every photo of ONE man reaching the summit of a mountain, there is a team of 100 people, who supported him to help him get there. 

Then My Boobs Shrank...

If you are just starting to follow me and getting to know me, you may not know that I am on a "body reformation" journey. This means that I am adopting a healthy lifestyle that includes a change in what I eat and in how much physical activity I get (ya know...exercise). 

For me, this ALSO means the elimination of as many highly processed, man-made chemically saturated materials, as possible, from my life. Now, this stuff is fan-friggin'-tastic, please do not misunderstand...but with all of this change, which has included weight loss, one thing has happened which I hadn't counted on...

...the shrinkage of my boobs, man. 

Can we say "Aw, man?"  

I'm in an adjustment period BUT, I think that my boob loss has pointed to something very important. I mean that's BASICALLY my message. 

With change comes possible loss. Sometimes, it's boobs but sometimes, it's things we didn't need anyway. Mourn the loss, if necessary but we should definitely evaluate, if what we're losing is better left along the roadside of our life's journey. 

In the end, we all will manage and adjust! Don't stop improving for a second! 

We Gotta Change Our Personal Mantras

We all have personal mantras whether we realize it or not. A mantra is a statement or slogan repeated frequently.

Like an actor remembering their lines, the inner speech we repeat to ourselves becomes the monologue that we perform in the role of our lives.

We are what we say we are and we play how we practice.

How can we begin to speak words that match the results we seek? It's corny but simple: Simply say what you want, out loud, all the time and believe it. Many people ridicule the messengers who promote this idea.

Hate if you wanna but it is effective.

I am not the first to say it. This topic has been written about and promoted, heavily. 

The thing is, we do it, anyway.
It's not like we are saying nothing about ourselves and our potential and now are being asked to start speaking to ourselves about what we want,  all randomly. 

No. We already say things to ourselves; about our expectations and desires.  We just do not say the right things.  We have a tendency to lean towards the negative and wade in the rivers of our own self-doubt.

"The right things" are those things that match what we claim are our goals, wishes and dream results.  For example, I want to lose weight.  How effective will my weight loss efforts be, if I constantly tell myself that I can't lose weight? Or that I'm too weak to stick to a new way of eating?

I must wake up, every day, say and believe that on that day, I will be successful in my healthy lifestyle efforts.Then and only then, will I begin to see and real change in -not only my attitude -but my actual behavior.  My behavior impacts the outcome or the results I seek.

The same holds true for everyone. Really.  I'm not kidding. 

I didn't say it wouldn't feel weird, at first, because it will. So what? Do it anyway.  I also didn't say that everything would change instantly.

Nope. It takes time (about 90 days) to really feeeeel different.  The manifestation of things could happen - oh, whenever.  It just depends on life. There's no magic pill to this but it will happen.  We will realize, soon after changing our personal mantra, that we have changed.

Trust me.

It may take some time. I think its worth it, though. I mean what do we have to lose? What's the worst that can happen - things stay the same? Big deal. No big whoop. If things staying the same IS a big deal, though...? Shouldn't that tell you it's worth a shot?

The Marriage Contract: Protecting My TYBs

I'm going to go ahead and issue a DISCLAIMER, right now: The following message is MY opinion. I am not here to argue. I'm just laying out my perspective on a topic and you are FREE to agree or disagree.  I will still be cool with you and I hope that you feel the same way about me. That is all. 

I feel that I have to preemptively issue such a statement before delving into this topic because ...well, people are crazy and they love to loudly (and aggressively) insist that my thoughts, which are my own, are wrong and therefore, should be changed, immediately.

However, I am a grown woman. I am a single mother ...with a "baby-daddy" and what I believe now, is directly related to my experiences, thus far.

So, just hear me out: I think we should get married and I think marriage is  smart business. 

I know, I KNOW...crazy! It's not a modern notion...it's steeped in so much patriarchy and sexism and religious oppression...yada, yada, yada,  I have heard it all before.

I want to share my business questions, list what I see as the marriage contract terms and each partners business investments. I'm simply sharing my thoughts. Feel free to comment, at the end and (politely) add your arguments "for" or "against" marriage as smart business.

Business Questions

Would you go into business with someone without a contract? because..."Who needs a piece of paper? We know what we've got between us!"

Would the bank approve a loan for you and just take your word that you'll pay them back without putting that in writing?  It's not gonna happen, right?

I would suggest that most people would call someone crazy, if  they were to  expect anything like that.

When it comes to any other business arrangement, people insist that we should  protect ourselves, our assets and our ideas---with a BINDING CONTRACT.

So, why is it so different, when it comes to marriage? When you enter into a relationship, you are agreeing  provide a  particular set of assets to the partnership: Time, Youth and Body. These are assets that I refer to as the TYBs.

The Contract Terms

This is not about love. I don't think you can contract "love," per se, so please do not misunderstand.  You CAN make an agreement to honor and respect the TYBs, though. These are things you cannot "get back" and therefore, they have an intrinsically higher value than material things--in my humble opinion.


If we are being honest, living with someone else and deciding to spend that time together in a household IS a business arrangement. It's a ROMANTIC Business arrangement. There are things that you are agreeing to do and to be. So why not sign a partnership agreement like a savvy business person?

The terms are simple: Be responsible for participating in the roles that are agreed upon for the duration of the partnership. Should the partnership dissolve, take with you the agreed upon material assets.



The Business Investments

The investments are clear: The parties agree to invest their Time, their "Youth" (relative to the start of the partnership) and their Body (by sharing it with said partner).

Adding in children, finance and extended family makes a contract even more necessary. These issues are too complicated to leave to chance.

Conclusion

I am not saying that a contract guarantees the partnership will not dissolve. Of course not. Business partnership dissolve, all the time. However, I do think that when people formally agree to certain terms and conditions, this act of  "promising" does keep their role and responsibility at the forefront of their mind. It's the best "receipt" you can get, in my opinion. So very often, people go into relationships making assumptions about who's doing what and for how long.

When you sign a contract, if you're smart, you'll read it and get an understanding about the part you and your partner each play. You feel more secure about investing your TYBs, which helps build confidence in the strength of the arrangement. Should the partnership dissolve, at least you can attempt to qualify when the breach occurred.

That's how I feel. Tell me what you think...